Seriously Jazzed

A New Opportunity, A New Cable-Clip-Comedy Show

2008-08-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

So - excuse the nebulous and Disneylicious sunflower metaphor below, I'll explain the personal motivation behind it. And the reason I haven't been blogging in ages.

My life recently got turned upside-down when I was offered a writing job on "The Dish" - a spinoff of The Soup (see: Spaghetti Cat), where I used to work, that will air on the Style Network. It premieres this Saturday, Aug. 23 at 10pm ET! Please tivo, my four loyal readers. The show is truly great - I am not embarrassed to plug it at all. And I think I'd actually watch it if I didn't work here. It's a more girly take on the Soup, but it really celebrates the fact that women too appreciate comedy. It's genuinely funny and very quirky - in that it grabs more from the home- and self-improvement genre which involves a lot of insane hosts and public access and fashion victims that you don't see on the mainstream/reality conveyer belt. And it's hosted by Danielle Fishel, who is a nostalgic dream and completely delightful.

Anyway, the job has been very fun, but I've been completely wrapped up in trying to get this new show off the ground and being so invested in its success. Where I used to have some time during the day to write for side projects, I am now completely creatively spent by the time I get home from a long day. (Which is unfortunate when we have a 2nd season of the critically-acclaimed Dorm Life web series in the pipeline! But regardless I can say with certainty that this will be the best season ever.)

Please do check out the show, and I promise to come back when I get my life under control. I am basically working two fulltime creative jobs (although one only pays in hugs and semi-offensive internet comments) but this is the time to do it and I am doing it and I am surviving. I think good things will come of this!

But, I'll leave you with this cautionary note. To remind me of my mortality and/or impending demise, I received in the mail this card...

...To remind me of dreams unfulfilled. Go for it! Tomorrow you could be old!

Cheer up, sunshine!

2008-08-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

This sunflower popped up by our front walkway. Out of nowhere! A sunflower! That area doesn't even get watered and a sunflower grew to full flower (with lots of flower buds that keep flowering one after another).

I think it may have come from the birdfeeder; there are sunflower seeds in the birdfeed mix. But he had to plant himself and endure a hostile soil environment, just to make me happy.

I think it's a good reminder that opportunities can arise anywhere. And we need to be present enough to take advantage of them!

Cute Overload, Small Human Edition

2008-07-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

It would be selfish to keep this picture to myself.

Context: A friend's nephew who I don't know at all, driving his grandpa's Hummer

Caption: When he finds out he's only getting 6 MPG, he'll shit his pants again

A Historic Moment in Sports History!

2008-07-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

There's something with me getting caught up in sports history when I'm at the gym. Not making it - but watching it. A few weeks ago it was the incredible men's Wimbledon final where Rafael Nadal historically unseated world reigning champ Roger Federer. The match lasted 4 hours and 48 minutes, during which I was on the treadmill until my legs literally fell off.* THEN recently I was gymming again when I started absent-mindedly watching the high school track and field California state championships. I know, how could you not! But in an effort to distract myself from the physical exertion I actually started getting into the story that was playing out. And I ended up watching one of the most inspiring races of my life!

German Fernandez, a senior from Riverbank High, had just won the state title for the mile run - in less than 4:01 - when he lined up to run the 3200 (a 2 mile run). He had just run a grueling mile, and the conditions that day were less than ideal: hot, with a strong cross-wind. But immediately he pulled ahead of the pack and by the 4th lap, he was literally 100 meters ahead of the other runners. For him to set the record, he would have to pace himself, completely alone, for more than a mile. Which he did! He ran perfectly, and all the announcers kept saying was that this was one of the most impressive performances by an athlete at this level in any sport, in history! I was completely spellbound. The last two laps, he was lapping people (get out of his f-ing way!) and still ran negative splits - meaning he was running faster by the end than he had at the beginning.

I'm a sucker for all hero/sports stories. But this was a good one. He broke the record with a time of 8:34:23, beating the 1979 record of 8:36. This is fast, people. And by the end, the crowd of 10,000 were all on their feet. I was trying not to fall off the treadmill. He finished the race in perfect form, and honestly didn't look that tired afterward.

German later went on to break the record for the 2-mile at the Nike Nationals with a time of 8:34:40. He may be slow, but at least he's consistent! I look forward to seeing this kid at the Olympics in 4 years. I'm already looking forward to it.

*Another misuse of the word "literally."

Subconscious Profundity

2008-07-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

I came home last night and found this post-it note - my roommate's To-Do List for the day. I pointed out to her that everything on the list was crossed off except the first, most pressing priority: "Apply 4 Job." I found this very very funny. Who hasn't been there? We're always at our most productive when we have a big elephant waiting to be hauled out of the room. It's why I clean the kitchen and rearrange furniture when I have lots of writing to do.

I love little things like this that inadvertently illuminate life's quirks.

P.S. As of this writing, said job has still not been "applied 4."

Ladies Love Cake!

2008-07-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

What a lovely, lovely cake!! I was surprised by this cake at our staff meeting today, after I joked all week about my coworkers getting me one, assuming they wouldn't, because I didn't get one for my birthday this year. Unforgiveable. But I didn't actually expect one and this one far exceeded my wildest cake dreams!

It's from Lark Silverlake Cake Shop, evidently the most delightful bakery imaginable. The exterior of the cake is lovely, clearly, but the inside is such a delicious red velvet cake (my favorite!) and cream cheese frosting (my favorite!) There is about 1/4 left and I am taking it home to eat out of the box on my couch this weekend.

Oh! You're probably wondering what the occasion for the cake was. It's my last day at my current job (producing wildly funny tv series The Soup) - which is really sad! Except that next week I'll start as a writer on a spin-off show for the Style network called "The Dish" - which is really exciting. Many more updates on that situation to come, I'm sure.

Either way, I couldn't have asked for a better send-off cake! I mean, considering they forgot my birthday.

"Light Metal"

2008-07-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Another delicious treat from Sensible Snack:

Ever wondered what would happen if Heavy Metal got lighter? I'll wonder no longer, thanks to the latest Time Life infomercial.

In the late 80s, a jazz musician and a heavy metal frontman joined together in the U.K. to form "Hard Breeze," the first ever Light Metal band. Today, you can order their Best Of collection from Time Life Records!

Watch this video to experience the magic and mystery, the bumping and humping of "Hard Breeze." Includes 4 (four) original songs and music videos!! Unrivaled in the world of Youtube!

Modern Art for the Modern Office

2008-07-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

"Rubber Spaghetti"
Materials: plastic, found objects. Price: $50,000.00

This is a modern art piece(s) my coworker Dan created. Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, but I think the commentary they make is staggering and wholly terrifying. If you are what you eat, what happens when you consume rubber band spaghetti? Is this what industrialization and rampant consumerism have wrought? A life relegated to work, spending lunch breaks at desks eating rubber off of plastic utensils? What sorry calamity is the American diet, and is this the legacy we want to leave for our children? And - wait for it - if everything man eats is man-made, is he, in fact, eating himself?

Art is life is art. C'est l'arte. C'est la vie.*

*(Took a guess on how to say/spell that)

Jazzed about the Jacaranda Tree

2008-07-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

I thought I had found my own blue jacaranda heaven on Palm Dr. in Beverly Hills. I stumbled down this street on a run one day and was rejuvenated by the abundant blossoming trees; then returned to shoot upwards of 50 snapshots with my camera. Then I found that I wasn't the only one enjoying the "jacs" here (see: this LA Times article on the best places to find jacardandas in LA)

Update: I took these pics a few weeks ago, and unfortunately the trees are already losing their blooms. Be sure to check them out in May of 2009, though. You can still find the beauties in bloom on the Pacific coast of Mexico, however!

OMG Yay! Teen Pregnancy!

2008-07-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ever since Juno launched forth a fascination with the glamorous, sexy world of teen pregnancy, we've seen a number of knock-offs (knock-ups?) in both pop culture and, sadly, real life (see: Massachusetts pregnancy pact involving 17 teen girls).

The latest is ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" - an hour-long dramedy starring quick-tongued high school teens navigating their way through real-life adolescent situations. While this one, unlike Juno, doesn't trivialize the issue of teen pregnancy, I realized that it does have its own agenda. The show is so overt with its values judgments that I first thought it must be tongue-in-cheek. Ooh, is this a TV version of the movie "Saved?" I thought. Nope. I wish it was a parody. But I'm afraid it's another abstinence-only policy disguised as a realistic teen experience.

In the first episode, I encountered a hot Christian girl who convinces her jock boyfriend they have to save "what's meant for marriage for marriage," the same girl explaining the virtues of a Promise Ring with her perfect blonde parents, and intentionally misreported sexual activity statistics (the show cites that 20% of teens have had sex - while the CDC reports 47.8% of teens were sexually active in 2007). And possibly the worst of all, when the pregnant girl shares the bad news with her friends, one of them suggests seeing a doctor about "options" but is shut down at even the hint that the tragic heroine might consider an abortion. I'm not saying this is the right choice for her, but can we at least explore that scenario, considering it is a realistic choice for many teens?

Now, you might be thinking, geez Jessie, you just want TV to reflect your liberal blogger agenda. People can make do TV about different opinions n' stuff! Well, you're right. But if a program is purposely informing children's experiences with a very rigid and specifically religious dogma, with dangerous health consequences, doesn't this become a bipartisan public concern?

I think we can all agree that the goal is to not let teens get pregnant in the first place. If they don't get pregnant, we don't even have to talk about abortions. But it's how we do this that's important.

Abstinence-only education has been the primary sex education strategy pursued in the U.S. since 2001. Since then, rates of sexual activity have gone up, condom use has gone down, and teen pregnancy rates are up (check out the stats). So, you tell me if this approach is working.

I know I've discoursed on the ills of abstinence-only education before. But it really does scare me when it's veiled this way in entertainment, because the most dangerous forms of propaganda are the ones we don't consider propaganda. These are offering the most significant imprints onto our consciousness.

We need more programming that educates girls without judgment so they have all the tools they need to make important decisions, and then empowers them to feel confident about their decision-making abilities. And though I too admit I have enjoyed teen pregnancy as a plot device (cough - Gilmore Girls), and though I'm sure many unplanned pregnancies do yield happy families, we of the media have a responsibility to equip girls with the tools they need if they don't want to get pregnant. And if they do think they want a baby, as with the girls of the pregnancy pact (many of whom said they just wanted someone to love them unconditionally), maybe we need to be focusing on the difficulties of raising a child as a young mother contrasted with the "excitement" of the idea of being pregnant.

If you want a real teen experience, check out this awesome blog entry about a pregnancy scare. This girl is going to be a great blogger someday - she already writes with such an interesting adult voice.

On a happier note, Molly Ringwald is in this new show - and she's by far the best thing about it. Welcome back, girlfriend!

This Makes it All Better

2008-07-02T19:44:00.001-07:00

Seriouslyjazzed? More like seriously overcome by sweetness.

I don't care who you are. You will cry when you watch this video.

Read the whole story, but it's basically about a lion cub that was raised by 2 men, then released in Africa - where they later went to find him. Impeccably edited to the Grammy award-winning "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. This is like chicken soup for the Youtube soul. I can't think of anything greater.

Good Idea # 415: Play on this Website

2008-06-16T18:12:00.001-07:00

A Good Idea shoutout is in order!

This is very girly - and as we all know, that's the worst thing a person can be - but I also found this very fun. If you're a girl, you'll like this site a lot.

The company is Studio 28 Couture, and the site lets you design your own party dress in 4 easy steps. It's genius for instant gratifiers like myself, because you can visualize the choices you make on your dress instantly. You choose from different styles and fabrics, mix and match until your boss walks by.

The dresses cost about $200 if you actually want to get one made, and they are all handmade from 100% cotton fabric. I probably won't be getting one soon (I have an allover-print phobia), but I will definitely keep playing on their site! I also see vast potential for bridesmaid dresses - give the wedding party a few colors and fabrics to choose from, bride doesn't look crazy, bridesmaids get a dress they might actually like. Done.

Unicorn Dreamscape

2008-06-16T17:45:00.001-07:00

A- ha! What's that you say, teachers, parents, scientists? Unicorns don't exist? Or perhaps you've just been brainwashed into becoming pawns for a military-industrial conspiracy to squash the hopes and dreams of children so they can't change the world?

Unicorns do exist, and this is proof. My entire childhood, vindicated! I was the original unicorn queen. I had unicorn everything. I owned every piece of tacky fluorescent unicorn art in existence, plus figurines, flatware, bedding, 365-day calendars. I wasn't one of these uni-come-latelys getting all ironically interested in unicorns because they're on a shirt at Urban Outfitters that says "I'm uni-horny" or some crap like that. I truly loved and admired the unicorn, from its powerful, supple hindquarters, to its ruthlessly sharp golden horn. The unicorn stood for everything that was beautiful in the world and everything I myself wanted to grow up to be.

Admittedly, this real-life unicorn is somewhat less glamorous than the one that danced through my dreamscape. It was born in a nature preserve in Italy to what we call "norm parents" (regular old Roe deer) but with a special spectacular horn and magical healing powers. It is aptly named "Unicorn" (just further proof that adults have lost their capacity for wonder).

But what the existence of this unicorn tells me is a) where there is one, there have to be clouds full of others, living in castles and traveling via rainbow - that's just logical. And b) when you dare to dream, anything in the world is possible. What a delightful, inspiring message! And that shit is free, yo.

Is it Time for a Baby?

2008-06-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Is there an emptiness in your life that can't be filled with chocolate? Are you so emotionally unstable you worry that no one will love you? This new PSA offers a wonderful solution to your problems...and the best part is, almost anyone can do it.

The first delicious treat from my new sketch group, Sensible Snack!

"Good" - A Sweet-Ass Magazine

2008-05-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm almost as jazzed about this magazine's apt title as I am about its content. In the tradition of "Car and Driver," "Horse Illustrated," and "Jugz," my new obsession is equally literal. Everything in Good Magazine is good, enticing, and interesting. It's kind of what I had in mind when I started this blog - although I have the benefit of inferior writing and fewer pictures. I wanted my theme to be, "I don't know - just stuff that's, like, good." So I completely identify with this desire to share things of general importance. You've spoken to me, Good, and I'm listening!

The mag really is everything from travel diaries, to charitable efforts, to political commentary, to filmmaking. This most recent July/Aug 08 issue got me hooked - thanks to my roommate Alie for working long hours lately and leaving her subscription out for me to play with! My personal faves include the travel guide to man-made disasters (a tour through sensational landfills and toxic pits of the U.S. - truly inspired) and the survey of history's most compelling secret society groups (you had me at conspiracy!)

I love this magazine and can't wait to spend the $20 for a year (just 6 issues for now). But get this - the best part is, 100% of the payment goes to the charity of your choice! (How is this even possible?! Won't they go out of business? Please take the money you need, Good Magazine, and stay in circulation!)

**Sidenote: the Good website (sounds like a good website) is also wonderfully informative and available to everyone! I just watched a video about "Vampire Energy" - household appliances that suck energy and cost $ and leave CO2 when they're plugged in - even if they're not on or in use! The worst offender is the microwave. Each day you leave it plugged in is the equivalent of using the microwave on high for 4 minutes. Yikes. Good, you make me want to be a better person.

One Day in Iraq - A Numbers Blog

2008-05-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

Did you know that...

For the cost of one day in Iraq, we could rebuild 2215 homes destroyed by Hurricane Katrina or pay the annual salaries for 72% of the LAPD?

I haven't been very attentive to you lately, dear Blog and Blog readers - but, I'm happy to share, I have another new project that is now polluting the webspace with great fury!

It's a new blog, "One Day in Iraq," in a completely different direction from SeriouslyJazzed - but likely more interesting and certainly more important. One of my life's goals is finding a way to make social and political issues interesting and digestible to regular people. Like You n' Me! Because the only way a democracy can work is if the people are fully informed.

I recently learned that the U.S. spends $332.3 million each day in Iraq. This number is staggering! But it is also hard to grasp exactly what a number this big really represents. So I got together with some other number-crunchers and we started brainstorming all the other ways that incredible amount of money could be spent. This is not a partisan issue, it is pure empirical data that does not have any political affiliation.

The first products of our brainstorm are up, and I think they will amaze you. And we have a huge vault of ideas waiting to be released. We'll be putting up at least four new figures a week, so be sure to check back often and subscribe to the RSS feed.

So without further ado that I present to you a blog that offers some alternatives for ways we could spend the daily Iraq budget: One Day in Iraq

Also, please send us tips (onedayiniraq@gmail.com) if you have thoughts on ways you'd like to spend that $332.3 million (Blood diamonds? Apple products? Tacos?), along with the sources for your numbers.

Jokes, Man

2008-05-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Since we're on the subject of humor, I want everyone to check out The Soup's new blog on E! Online. It is completely buried within E!'s not-very-user-friendly webpage and is almost impossible to navigate to. But I'll give you the link here. And here.

Our blogmaster, Matt Olsen, is a very funny writer and offers takes on celebrity news as well as a Clip of the Day, "What Your Mother's Watching," and insider Soup info segments.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, The Soup is the show I work/write for, it's on television, a useful diversion - you should try it. It's a joke show, with jokes in it. Fridays at 10pm on E! Or if you're too old-fashioned to watch TV, read the blog.

Hot Pockets - New Video!

2008-05-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hungry for a sensible snack that won't fill you up and might let you down?

Try "Hot Pockets," a new video I worked on with some of my friends at The Soup! It follows the trials of two young ad men producing the next big commercial for "Hot Pockets."

Zero trans fat, -30 calories per serving (from laughing). Pop one in your compu-wave and make your eyes water!

Written by: Jessie Gaskell, Andrew Genser, Dan Riesser.
Starring: Jessie Gaskell, Andrew Genser, Dan Riesser.
Shot by: Mike Kershner.
Edited by: Dan Riesser

Tapping Resentment: Post-Revolutionary Sexism and the Modern Beer Commercial, Pt. 1

2008-05-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

I just saw another beer commercial where the male "protagonist" lies to his girlfriend so he can go drink beers with his bros. Sooo rad dude. But seriously. What the H? Not to get all feministy on you - because heaven knows, that is the worst thing a woman can be - but yes, actually, to get feministy on you. I hate this pervasive image of a woman as the “warden” to your prison, the “gatekeeper” to your personal hell. We are so unreasonable that you actually have to lie to us to hang out with your friends and drink beer? That is insane.

First of all, women like beer. Why are you alienating a significant subsect of your consumership, Coors Light? Maybe because we only drink you at frat parties - and we’re definitely not paying for that.

Secondly, why do guys think they have to lie to go be somewhere else for a night? Will I really be upset about finally getting a night to myself without my sheets smelling like balls? No. By all means, no!

So of course all these ads are doing is perpetuating a stereotype about women as uptight shrews who are out to ruin your homosexual fun. Which makes it so that you don’t give us credit when we actually have a reason to get uptight and pissed about something, like now, because you’ve already decided we’re just being rigid and menstrual, so we never get our point across. And it’s not right! It’s not just! Stop telling me to calm down!

Or maybe it’s just a stupid, uninspired beer commercial.

Positive Feedback

2008-05-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

I want to share with you some (thankfully) positive feedback about my Dorm Life character, "Steph," that I found today on Digg.com. You all don't know this, but many months ago I found some extremely dissatisfying commentary about me on a web forum that launched me into a questioning of my entire virtual existence. It hurt a lot that these strangers, probably 40-something men covered in chicken grease and their own semen, could dare criticize my (admittedly hateable) webisode character. But I recovered, I bounced back, I exacted my revenge through a blog about horrible internet commentary (I haven't publicized it yet - but you can take a peak at the beta model - notes appreciated). And see what has happened today! People on the internet have validated me and I feel whole.

Incidentally, this guy "DeadFox" is not an ex-boyfriend of mine, as he would lead you to believe. A future boyfriend, possibly?

+2 diggs by iThenticJoce on 04/09/2008
Steph is the best!

+2 diggs by DeadFox1 on 04/09/2008
Steph? OMG it's my ex-gf!

+2 diggs by iThenticJoce on 04/09/2008
oh lord, no wonders she's an ex! but really she's cute and hilarious! great character!

+2 diggs by hadak on 04/09/2008
The exuberant girl in the pink shirt is really hot.

Dinosaur Poop on Sale

2008-05-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just found out that this 130 million-year-old dinosaur dung was sold for $960 at a Bonhams New York auction. First of all, I'm disappointed that none of my friends told. Not only am I deeply committed to paleontology, but I'm also a huge patron of DEALS! I love getting a deal. And this $960 of chump change sounds like an absolute steal.

Let's consider the facts. This fossilized poo is from the Jurassic Era - can we say vintage?? None of your friends own anything that old. The big turd looks like a colorful mineral, or geode on the inside. It's beautiful! And it's odorless, unlike your lunchtime floater. And it's a one-of-a-kind piece; no one else at the club will have one just like it. How could this not be more expensive?

Less than $1,000 for a 130 million-year-old relic; that's just a penny for every 1300 years! Seems like a small price to say for a thrilling, unique piece of our Earth's national history - a history that is soon sure to be cut short by global warming and/or nuclear winter. Don't you want to get your hands on one of these dino bran muffins before we all go extinct?

Especially when you consider that a statue of Suri Cruise's alleged dooky sold for $10,000 last year.

And it wasn't even a real BM!

Your Momma's Blog

2008-05-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

How the newest generation will insult each other:

Your momma’s blog is so old, it’s hosted on Blogger.

Your momma’s blog is so big, she had to buy unlimited bandwidth to support it.

Your momma’s blog is so white, it was on Stuff White People Like.

Etc.

Check out my post today on 23/6!

2008-05-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Read my most recent post: Eight Belles' Death Not a Blow for Feminism.

And read other posts on www.236.com!

TrendMaster: "Rollricking"

2008-04-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

TRENDMASTER

This is a new segment where I make and institute awesome new social trends. I am a person of great stature and influence in the trend community so I anticipate there will be much fanfare.

"Rollricking" -

Based on the now-defunct digital trend of "Rickrolling,"

whereby a blogger would misdirect readers via hyperlink

to an old music video of pop artist Rick Astley.

Get it? Rollricking!

Rollricking is very useful, as the name and artistic portfolio of Rick Astley come up often in conversation. Rick Astley.

Puppies.

2008-04-23T17:49:00.001-07:00

What a cliche I've become.

I have been going to the pet store in the Beverly Center mall almost compulsively over the last few weeks. It's a terrible pet store because the puppies are all behind glass in tiny enclosed spaces and they climb all over each other and stare longingly at you. But I keep going because the puppies climb all over each other and stare longingly at you.

Today I did some searches, just to see how much this one particular breed of puppy - the Shiba Inu - cost when purchased from a breeder. These dogs are amazing; they look like little foxes as puppies and then they grow up to be miniature Huskies. Some of the baby puppies look like furry bears, they are too cute to be real. I honestly almost started crying just looking at pictures of cute puppies. Then I made a hasty decision to rename this blog "Puppies," and henceforth I will only post pictures of cute puppies. And it will make me a million dollars.

This one is from a website called "puppyparadise.com". Ridic.

Things That Make Life Easier

2008-04-22T17:34:00.001-07:00

Useful things are only useful when I use them. I signed up a long time ago but I just recently really started using Jott, which is a brilliant service for transferring ideas from head to paper, via phone (those of you with iPhones, you don't need this, stay smug and complacent).

The Jott service is easy to sign up for, free, and endlessly useful. It works just like the picture above: you call the number, talk, and it sends you an email with the words you've said. You can use it to send yourself emails with to-do lists, screenplay dialogue, blog post text. You can even Jott directly to Amazon, or to your blog (I did not Jott this blog post - I haven't gotten that good at it yet). For someone like me who doesn't always speak - or think - in complete sentences, you might want to stick to having Jott send you personal emails of your thoughts. But when you're feeling articulate, Jott to other people, but as with email and water sports, don't drink and Jott.

This might sound like a plug from ad sales, but luckily for you - SeriouslyJazzed is still sponsorship free. It makes enough money from donations and dreams to run smoothly. This is just another gift from me to you.

Vote for Bethany Grundle, the Perfect Compromise!

2008-04-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

We all know Bethany Grundle - social commentator, activist, friend to animals - has dreamed of becoming a political correspondent since she was 2 years old. Well she's 13 now and it's time to start making that dream a reality. And she needs your help to make it happen!

Bethany has entered herself in the Breakout Broadcasting Political Pundit competition - and if she wins, she'll have the privilege of reporting her profound insights directly from the Democratic Convention! The entrants with the most votes make it to the second round. To vote, go HERE - then create a login name, and you can vote 15 TIMES A DAY until Sunday, April 20th! If everyone reading this votes 15 times every day, Bethany can win this thing.

Watch and enjoy Bethany's straight talk on Obama's "bitter" comments, Hillary's ticket to Convention, and the mile-high club. All before (and a little during) bedtime! If you like it, please vote. It's the only way democracy can work, people. Bethany is the most straightforward, honest pundit out there - and because she's a child, she can't lie. Nor does she understand irony. Couldn't we all be a little more like Bethany?

Vote for Youtube Sketchies Finalist "THE ATTACK!"

2008-04-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

My dear friends and collaborators, The Attack Comedy - comprised of Josh Covitt and Whit Hertford - have been tapped for their consistently stellar work and are in the finals of the Youtube Sketchies contest. The prizes are considerable; $40,000 in equipment and cash and the opportunity to meet with UTA new media reps, which they deserve anyway. Their final video "An End of an Era" is undoubtedly superior; watch the others if you don't want to take my word for it, but you'll reach the same conclusion and curse the time you wasted.

HOW TO VOTE:

Go here to watch "An End of An Era" (click "next video" a few times to get to it, or search for it in the search box) and click the GREEN thumbs up icon to vote. Then do it again, as many times as you can, until your own thumbs get tired. The Attack also made this great instructional video on voting which should be in its own contest.

Please vote often and pass it along so that these very extraordinary comic talents get their due, and on a philosophical level, to ensure meritocratic outcomes for internet video contests! And watch the rest of The Attack's stuff, it's all incredibly good.

Note: I am humbled by the great and only Kim Weisberg who posted about this first, which is unacceptable, since I am so deeply embedded in The Attack's creative machinery. (Embedded like links? Embedded like Iraq? Think about it.)

Dorm Life Sweeps NCAA Champs

2008-04-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm sorry to keep bragging about all the cool developments that are tangentially shooting off from projects I'm involved in. But I can't help it, I'm Seriously Jazzed! (Oh snap! You thought that was going to be a link back to the blog you're already reading!)

Back to business. Let's be honest, this really knocked my socks off. It's the UCLA marching band playing the Dorm Life theme at the Final Four tourney this year. How f-ing rad is that. (and also f-ing nerdy). Either way, we are now rivaling Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" for coolest marching band arrangement song.

UCLA Band Plays Dorm Life Theme at Final Four! - Celebrity bloopers here

A Million Little Pieces of News

2008-04-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

(Cool timely reference, right?)

I have a bunch of really great news about my wonderful web series, Dorm Life. First of all, if you haven't seen it in a while, it's gotten good. I'll embed a few latest episodes later in the post. But recently these things happened:

1) Dorm Life is being featured on Metacafe - and is getting big-time views! All together we are at about 750,000 total views.

2) Dorm Life received “Official Selection” honors for both Best Comedy Short and Best Writing from the Webby Awards. The Webbies are basically, like, the Oscars of the internet. So, I basically almost just got an Oscar nomination. Kind of. I’m especially proud of the “Best Writing” distinction. (Oops! Cat's out of the bag - Dorm Life is not real reality? Although - I guess most reality shows have writers). The cool thing is that Dorm Life - shot on almost no budget - was among other financed projects from HBO, ABC, The Onion...what distinguished company!

3) Now that you know what you've been missing, watch some Dorm Life!
Episode 112: Alarmed

Online Videos by Veoh.com

And after you watch that, listen to the full-length cut of "Hamster Heaven" that I busted in the recording studio. It's also my American Idol audition.

Episode 113

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Hope you like!

Political Correctness in Your Neighborhood

2008-03-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Seen at my bank:

Please delicately suggest to your dog, cat, or guinea pig that he or she wait outside while you finish your bank errand. Don't imply that they wouldn't be more than welcome to help you deposit a paycheck, but rather, ask politely if they might be willing to better "help" you outside by keeping an eye on things. Depending on what they say, you may proceed inside the bank or you may be obligated to continue your pet's walk.

Never force your pet to do anything without his or her permission. Unilaterally imposing external guidelines on your pet may impair his or her development and dismantle self-esteem.

You Can't Save Them All

2008-03-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Oh no! I saw this the other day in my neighborhood and had to share. Clearly the same big-hearted person found two stray cats (or was found by them) and is now waiting for the owners come claim them. So if you lost your cats recently, accidentally, or on purpose, please call and take them off this poor person's hands.

On another note, there is a cat on my street with a mangy butt and a taste for danger that I'm sure its owner wouldn't mind someone else "finding."

That Wasn't for Free, You Know

2008-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Nobody at E! got their paychecks on Friday except for the senior staff members. I seriously think the company might have ran out of money. Maybe it's from development pitches like the "Stripper Minute."

Isn't it completely unethical to not pay your employees, knowingly? I mean, what are we going to do about it - quit? No, because we need money. They have the money (ostensibly). The worst part is, nobody in charge has even sent an email about it letting us know what went wrong. Not even something like:
.................................................................................

Dear E! Employees:

Ok…don’t get mad. You have to promise not to get mad. We have some bad news.

The, uh, printer broke. Yeah, that’s it! The printer broke and we couldn’t print your paychecks. And then the internet broke and we couldn’t do direct deposit either! Sorry. We’ll get you your paychecks today, or at least by the end of this week. Can you not cash them until next Monday though? Thanks man - it’s just, we gotta pay rent this week and stuff.

Sincerely,
E!

..................................................................................

If they'd just written a note, maybe I wouldn't be so mad.

I'm Blogging for 23/6 Now!

2008-03-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hey gals and goofs,

I wanted to let you knowt that I'm also blogging for another great website (not instead of SeriouslyJazzed, don't worry - in addition to!) It's called 23/6 and it is a humorous offshoot of the widely celebrated Huffington Post. You can go there to get your daily news fix and learn something while having fun too! Really, it's very funny. And you can read my staggeringly funny commentary among blog posts from comedy legends Larry David, Adam McKay, and many others. 23/6 also features original political comedy videos and other great newsy stuff. Perfect for someone who, like me, gets off on comedy + politics mixed together in a delicious swirl cone. Mmm. Ice cream. http://www.236.com/

Human Tetris Renewed My Faith in Youtube

2008-03-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered Human Tetris. Today among the rotted piles of internet excrement, I found 3 gleaming minutes of hope. I have not in recent memory been so whole-heartedly entertained by a youtube video series or phenomenon. A few of my friends have gotten casting notices to be on a team, so I checked out this Japanese game show and watched 3 episodes back to back. I fell in love. I am completely in support of this.

Postmodernism and G-Chat

2008-03-13T12:08:00.001-07:00

I'm not usually the kind of gal to post chat conversations, but I have to share this one I just had with my friend and cohort Julie. We were trying to decide on a name for our "sketch comedy troupe" (in quotes) and then both started laughing uncontrollably in our respective work cubicles. The laughter escalated both because of the awkwardness of laughing at work and because of the irony of reading someone else's insane laughter typewritten in a chat window. I almost couldn't type responses because I was laughing so hard and I think that becomes evident as the conversation wears on. It's like a written embodiment of the act of laughter.

Julie: multi-tasking
ughh
we maybe need a name for us
unimportant
feeling crazy!
me: are those suggestions?
Julie: can't wait for fri!
me: because i like "feeling crazy"
Julie: no, i mean, i literally am feeling crazy
but now that you mention it, it's kind of an interesting name
me: no, i mean, i actually like it for a name
Julie: hahahaha
me: i am laughing
Julie: hahahaha
me: i can'
t stop
Julie: hahahahhahahaha
me: andrew is looking at me
i feel crazy too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Julie: hahahahahhahaha
me: stop it
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Julie: i can't!!!!!
me: i'm crying laughing
hahaha
Julie: now, i'm laughing like crazg
y
ahhh, that was nice

The Truth about Daylight Savings "Time"

2008-03-07T14:31:00.001-08:00

In celebration of the Daylight Savings Holiday and because there are a lot of misnomers out there about its origins, I thought I'd offer a brief true history about the birth of Daylight Savings.

Daylight Savings was born in the heart of a financial manager during the subprime mortgage crisis of 2007. Americans were losing money in Apple stock (AAPL) and this, combined with failed social security reform efforts, created an atmosphere of economic desperation. Many were advised by their parents to "open up a savings account" but even at 4.95% APY Americans just couldn't put the money away. They loved money and hated not being able to spend it. So ING created a "Daylight Savings" account, designed for people who wanted to save money but who didn't have money, specifically, and thus could not save any. Daylight being free, people found it much easier to set aside in small quantities for an unknown point in the future than money, which costs money.

So once a year in the Spring people would save an hour of Daylight, which they would be allowed to withdraw on a designated day in the Fall. It was hard at first, but they got used to it. And they felt good about saving something, which made everybody happy and peaceful. The only people who didn't participate were Arizona and Hawaii because they hate freedom.

The end! It's nice to learn something, isn't it?

Jessie Asks: Hillary Clinton!

2008-02-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

Support for Hillary Clinton has been waning in recent weeks and it seems the media has almost completely jumped her ship. But I was willing to sit down with Senator Clinton in an effort to balance out the terrible press she's been getting from the mainstream media. I mean - did you see that 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric? Prime example of why they shouldn't let women anchor.

But Hill is still in the race, and lucky for me she had time for lattes and girltalk about what it's like being the nation's most influential (female) politician. Be warned: this is serious news. You might hear some shocking confessions and - gasp - even an anatomical slip or two!

And please look forward to upcoming installments of my new news series, "Jessie Asks!" I'm booking guests now if you're interested in an interview.

Scary things you should never do in a theater

2008-02-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, this news story is actually scary. But also too crazy and ironic to not post about. Which somehow makes it less scary. Or maybe more scary. I can't decide!

A man is still at large in Fullerton, CA (not far from my safe little borough, Los Angeles!) after he stabbed two people in a theater during the movie "The Signal." The suspect stabbed one moviegoer, then moved toward the exit of the theater where he stabbed another person before fleeing. Both of the victims are in stable condition, which is good, but - check this out:

"The Signal" is a slasher/horror movie about a mysterious electronic signal that urges people to kill when they hear it. The stabbings occurred during a scene in the movie where someone who heard the signal was compelled to stab people. Watch the trailer here.

What?? So, either the stabber was pulling a sick, psychotic performance art piece, POPfilms is testing out a new ad campaign (on the people already watching the movie), or, or...

THE SIGNAL ACTUALLY WORKS!

No way. That's not even funny. But seriously - just in case - I'm not seeing that movie.

Dorm Life - Episodes 4 and 5

2008-02-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

These are two of my very favorite episodes. (But you say that about all your children!) No, but seriously - these are great. You should watch them. And then you should go back and watch episodes 1-3 on dorm-life.com, or on VEOH (Our site has been doing very well, by the way! I can't tell you how well, because it might be an issue of national security. But let's just say the Ruskys are itching to get their hands on it for its uranium enrichment capabilities).

Episode 104 - floor government election. This is a big episode for a certain gregarious anachronistic social planner who covets the Presidential nomination (a character played by someone very close to me - can you guess who it is?!) This episode also contains the most historical references in the series. Dorks!!

Dorm Life Episode 104: Campaign - Watch a funny movie here

Episode 105 is the Pranks episode. Who didn't pull elaborate, costly pranks on their dorm floormates? Even the most skeptical of you out there are going to see one particular special effect and think, "Awesome."

Dorm Life Episode 105: Pranks - For more funny videos, click here

Earth/space?

2008-02-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

So you consider yourself a friend of the Earth. But maybe you and Earth have been drifting apart lately, after all, it's so hard to maintain correspondence when you both have such busy schedules. She canceled on your brunch two weeks ago, and then a meeting came up when you were supposed to meet for drinks. You're afraid your friendship is doomed. Not so - because now you can be friends with the Earth on Myspace!

I know what you're thinking - where has She been, right?! Living on another planet? Ha, ha. But maybe she didn't think she really needed a Myspace page, being the Earth and all, since all of us are already on her all the time. And then she realized, you know what, it is a good way to post events and keep people updated about her comedy shows and share cool internet videos, etc, so now she's entered the social networking community and ready to be your friend.

Wait...wait a second. It says here the Earth is male, 45 years old and lives in Ontario, Canada. How can this be? Is this an imposter Earth? Is this going to turn out like the time I thought I was communicating with the late Marlene Dietrich via Friendster? I don't like to be lied to, Myspace. I don't like it at all. Hopefully Earth is just undercover and trying to keep skeezy men from hitting on her. She is, after all, a MILF.

Incidentally, you can also be friends with Moon, Sun, and most of the planets in our solar system on Myspace. Yay for universal* connectivity!

*Literally, within the universe!

"Dorm Life" Premieres Today! The Return of Good TV.

2008-02-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

Is that awesome enough for you? It better be. For those of you who have been living on a Distant Planet and somehow haven't heard that my webisode series, Dorm Life, is premiering today, you can still redeem yourselves. Most of you know this though, because you have been counting down using your Dorm Life advent calendars (how delicious are the chocolates?!)

The first four episodes of the series are now live on the website, www.dorm-life.com, and will be featured on other sites this week as well. They are the first 4 of this 20-episode series that is a hilarious, absurdist, irresistibly charming look at the characters and experiences that take place on a college dorm floor. Seriously, check it out. It's shot beautifully on HD and is edited to perfection. And the episodes just get better and better as the season wears on. Be sure to leave your email under "Dorm Life Updates" in the top right corner so you get messaged when new episodes are put up - one a week after this. You know you won't remember, so just put your email down. It's not spam. It's me, your best friend, and the project that took 3 years off her life and gave her her first gray hair (not really). But it really is an awesome series. I hope you'll take a look.

I Heart Huckabee Girl

2008-01-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

My latest video project "Huckabee Girl" is finally online, exclusively on SuperDeluxe - although it is already starting to get attention some other places!

You've seen Obama girl, but we found a girl who's hot for the man of the cloth. She's got a special interest in his policy package, if you know what we're saying. Mike Huckabee had a big upset in the Iowa caucus and now he's rumored to be on McCain's VP shortlist. So if you don't think there's enough crazy out there to get him elected to office, let Huckabee girl tell you why you should be crazy about him too. This is an original slow jam!

Many thanks to all the people who helped make this video possible - I'll post credits here since they're hard to find on the video site!

Executive Producers: Tyler Malin and Eric Szmanda
Lyrics by: Josh Covitt & Jessie Gaskell
Directed by: Josh Covitt
Edited by: Josh Covitt, Jessie Gaskell, Oren Brimer
Music by: Greg Blum
Vocals: Rachel Avery
Starring: Vai Au-Harehoe as Huckabee Girl
Chad Brisky as Dino
Josh Covitt as Raptastic Rapper
Editing and Effects: Studio 8 and Oren Brimer
Logos & Graphics: Chad Brisky

The Prodigal Daughter Returns - A UCLA Premiere

2008-01-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

My new webisode series, Dorm Life, premieres today! But before I do the big push for you to watch it, I want to share a great experience I had last week promoting it. The other 6 creators of the series are all fellow UCLA alumni, where we met directly and indirectly through a ridiculously fun sketch comedy experience, the "Company" of UCLA Spring Sing. We owe UCLA deeply not just for personal development, but for our relationships with each other and the skills needed to produce a mammoth project such as this one. Last week we had the opportunity to do a sneak peek screening of Dorm Life in the Ackerman Student Union, where I went during my time as a student to watch a number of wide-release features and Q&As with figures like Adam Sandler and the Syrian Ambassador. And now I have gotten to screen my very own project in this venue with a Q&A with the audience afterward!

The screening was sublime; we screened the first 7 episodes of this 20-episode series to an audience of a few hundred. I was overwhelmed by the positive reaction we got from the audience - this huge hall was filled with laughter, so much at some points that many of the jokes got lost under the residual laughing. I've never had an experience like that where such a large room of people were responding to my creative efforts. It was wonderful. I'm hooked. Me want more.

The Q&A afterward went really well too, although it felt a slightly absurd posturing as an authority on success in Hollywood when our success so far has included a) finishing a project that we will put on the internet and b) screening said project at UCLA with a Q&A afterward. I mean really, I consider this to be one of the biggest ventures I've ever been a part of and it is an incredible success even to have accomplished a 20-episode comedy series. I'm so sincerely proud of this project, of all the incredible talents that participated and made it a substantial and memorable source of entertainment, and I can't wait to share it with the world. And I am delighted to finally see how it is received among the very discerning internet palattes out there!

Dorm Life!

Notes from Sundance, and Why Documentaries Kick So Much Ass

2008-01-24T12:38:00.000-08:00

I've been a little negligent lately, but it'll soon be worth it for you when my latest video project gets released and when I tell you about movies from Sundance that you will see and be forever changed by. I was there for the 3-day weekend and it was so great - all I did was watch movies and eat carbs for 72 straight hours and then complain about how exhausting it was. I didn't participate in too many of the "scene-y" elements of the festival, besides driving up and down Park City's main drag in the Escalade we accidentally rented and rolling down the windows to ask people where "the Dance" was. "I heard there's a dance going on tonight? A sun dance?" I am SO HILARIOUS. In another stroke of comedic genius, I wore sunglasses at night.

Overall I have to say that the documentaries overwhelmed the dramas - is life better art than art? Think about THAT my thinking friends. The first of my favorite films of the weekend was "Up the Yangtze" - a doc about the flooding of the Yangtze River in China resulting from the world's largest hydroelectric project, the Three Gorges Dam. 2 million Chinese people were displaced and tourist cruises cashed in on the tragedy by offering "Farewell Cruises" to Americans and others with money to see the Yangtze before the flooding took place. Most of the film takes place on board this cruise, following the family of a dishwasher on board who took the job after finishing middle school to send money home to her parents. Over the course of the flooding her family's homemade shanty is completely submerged and they have to move without the government compensation they were promised. The visual elements of the movie are stunning and the music is flawless. But the film is truly funny, capitalizing on the culture gaps between Chinese and Americans. A favorite line came from the cruise leader telling the employees, "Don't compare the U.S. to Canada, and don't bring up the issue of Northern Ireland." I believe this film has already been picked up for worldwide distribution so I hope you'll all have the opportunity to see it. The director has also started an education fund for the girl who is the movie's main subject: http://www.givemeaning.com/project/yufam

The second doc I want to mention, my very favorite film of the ones I saw, is called "Kicking It" - and follows 8 soccer teams participating in the 2006 Homeless World Cup held in South Africa. This was an iconic sports hero movie and devastating commentary all in one incredible package. This was the only movie that moved me to tears and did so about 15 separate times, always unexpectedly and always sincerely. I was so impressed by how gracefully the movie communicated the need for attention to the issue of homelessness while inspiring with its themes of resiliency and hope. ESPN has picked up this movie - I'm not sure if it's for theatrical release or televised - but I can't recommend it enough. It really will change your life. Check out more info, or donate to the Homeless World Cup project at: www.kickingitthemovie.com

Honorable mention for the weekend goes out to "Ballast," the only drama in my bunch, from director Lance Hammer. It's an impressive and fluid narrative following a family, composed entirely of local non-actors, dealing with loss in the Mississippi Delta during a bleak winter.

Interesting that there was this pervasive theme of gritty reality, using non-actors to tell even the fictional stories. I was entirely impressed with 2 actors playing the parts of parents in one movie, "Momma's Man," then I learned that the 2 are the director's actual parents! That's incredible. They were superb, though! It'd be interesting if we do see a movement among filmmakers away from impeccably rehearsed performances and toward a grittier, more organic storytelling. Although it's not happening yet judging from the popularity of "Juno." Sorry, I can't help getting political. Ha.

Bethany Grundle on Hillary's Campaign and the Meaning of Womanhood

2008-01-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of buzz this week about Hillary Clinton's alleged crying episode in a New Hampshire coffeeshop. While speaking with a group of women pre-caucus, Hillary's voice warbled and now everyone is speculating about whether this constituted a "cry." Bethany wanted to make a few comments about the challenges facing women in male-dominated professions, drawing on her own experience as a journalist. Anyway, I'll let her tell you the rest.

Rainy Day Resolutions for the Insane

2008-01-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

I don't usually use SeriouslyJazzed as a forum for personal reflection, mostly because it seems unethical for me to be getting paid so much to talk about my personal life. But I just had a pretty uplifting experience involving two of the resolutions (or "goals" if you are cliche-phobic) I made for 2008. The first of these is "Be happier." That might sound too simple or sweeping to some of you but I really think I can make this work. If I just take the time to be more present and grateful for the moments and experiences in my life, and really focus on how they're making me happy, won't I just be happier? We'll find out.

The second resolution came about with a friend as I was in the midst of resolving to "eat more organic," "ride my bike more," "volunteer more," "make a website," "write a screenplay," etc, and she suggested "Feel Less Guilty." At first I felt bad about how guilty I'm always feeling, haha, but I resolved to feel less so.

ANYWAY. Today it is raining and I wanted to go for a run. I thought, "I'll run in the rain - how fun and eccentric of me!" So I put on running tights and a water-resistant jacket and went out to run. Then I remembered two things: 1) "water-resistant" is not the same thing as "water-proof." 2) "Eccentric" is a euphemism for "Mentally deranged."

Within minutes I was completely soaked. I don't know why in my head this wasn't obvious - I guess I was picturing the rain gently caressing my eyelids while I remained comfortable underneath my clothes. But imagine jumping into a pool wearing a full jacket and pants and shoes, then getting out and running. The water didn't drain or get "wicked" away, it seeped into my clothes and shoes and stayed there. I thought I would have to turn around immediately and even then I might not make it home alive. But then I started warming up and some wonderful things happened.

First, because my ipod was on under my jacket I couldn't reach it to switch the songs, which I usually do compulsively, listening to about 5 seconds of each song. So I had to sit through the entirety of every song, including the Jingle Cats version of "White Christmas" (which also features dogs). And without the ability to control my playlist, I found myself relaxing and focusing less on the music and more on my surroundings. And because I was soaking wet, I didn't think at all about the discomfort of physical exertion. I completely surrendered control of these things and just enjoyed the raindrops on my cheeks and the sensation of cold after stepping in a puddle and then my foot warming up again. And I really had fun.

I did cut the run short, but I didn't feel bad about it.

It's Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle: Warren Buffett's Million-Dollar Challenge

2008-01-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

This week: Bethany analyzes Warren Buffett's Million-dollar Challenge. What will it mean for struggling billionaires?

The Grundle Report is your only pre-adolescent independent news source for all the stories the mainstream media is overlooking. Even people with bedtimes should have access to this kind of hard news. Gritty! Sexy! Bethany!

A Video Christmas Card (for you!)

2007-12-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas music never gets old! Especially when performed by musical virtuosos like my friends and me. Wishing you all a very, merry Christmas song!

Breakfast is Bourne

2007-12-13T22:22:00.001-08:00

Bourne Ultimatum was just released on DVD, and it's heading straight for your tummy. So yummy. You like video parodies, right? If you just answered "no," - are you a time traveler from the past?? You must be. If you just answered "yes," please watch and love an intense and suspenseful Bourne parody below! I am "involved" with it! (Not dating exclusively though).

Check out "The Bourne Nutrition!"

Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle - Feinstein and Mukasey

2007-12-10T16:26:00.000-08:00

A new Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle Report is up! I know for many of you it's hard to watch the news or read, so Bethany wanted to help you out by providing her perspectives on a "hard news" story from the last couple of weeks. If the news seems dated, well, that's the problem with the Internet - it's not the fastest medium out there. But we're working out the glitches.

Gritty! Sexy! Bethany!

Whiteface: A Social Experiment

2007-12-03T19:40:00.001-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting in a while. Stop apologizing. Sorry! No, but seriously - I have been overwhelmed lately by work and personal projects, which, if you know me, is nothing unusual. I always act like it is. The creative juices have been flowing, and not always in the right places. I guess you'll be the judge. I did want to share with you a video that I put together because I know you like that sort of thing.

If you are easily offended, you probably shouldn't watch "Whiteface: A Social Experiment," the most daring social commentary since two men kissed on Melrose Place. Getting ready for bed was never this controversial. Prepare to turn stereotypes on their heads.

Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle: Kissing Pandas

2007-11-19T13:13:00.001-08:00

It's Bedtime Fun with Bethany Grundle is a weekly news report from the most precocious reporter on the webwaves. The Grundle report gives you the straight story from an independent news source with absolutely no corporate ties. Gritty? Yes. Sexy? Yes. This week: Bethany explores the phenomenon of kissing pandas!

Beginning of a Beautiful Campaign

2007-11-14T16:05:00.000-08:00

I spoke briefly with my friend Tillman the other day and we planned my future. He is just home from a tour in Iraq (not in connection to the military, just for leisure) and is contemplating his next steps in terms of dating and securing political office. We decided a convenient arrangement that would further both of our professional goals of soon becoming President of the United States would be to get married and run as a husband/wife ticket, with the man as President (because of the military service, he's our way in). We'll offer a delicious blend of righteous diplomacy and enlightened justice. We'll get ourselves elected. Then over the course of the next few years, we coordinate an agreed-upon adultery scandal, which I weather with grace and dignity, then we switch and I get to run as President, although at this point I have to make myself appear more conservative to win the confidence of a sexist public. I'll have to make over my public image as a tough cookie, a war hawk, a forgiving domestic partner, Jesus is my co-pilot, etc. And then I'll get elected and I'll get my turn as President, with husband/co-conspirator as VP.*

*Still unclear about whether this is legal.

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know what my plans are for the next 8 or 12 years. Also, although I have arranged myself a politically strategic marriage, I'm not excluding the possibility of a series of heated passionate affairs with various models and state department officials. So, vote for us! Also, if we could secure a few thousand million dollars from friends and family in the next few days that would be great.

Thoughts on Writing, Actual Writing, and Getting Carried Away Abroad

2007-11-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

If you're wondering why I haven't been blogging this week, then somehow you haven't heard about a little thing called the Writers' Strike?! In honor of the Writers' Guild I have refrained from doing any writing all week, in solidarity. I'm kidding - my blog is non-union, and I have been lazy. BUT: the Strike is a huge deal and is really affecting the Los Angeles community, many of my friends have been laid off and there are some shows that will not likely come back after the strike ends. Not only that, with studios shutting down production I'm sure a lot of other industries will be affected, food, transport, textiles, etc. I mean, this is a really big deal. And everyone should understand why this is happening. Here is a simple, compelling video, put out by a writer, explaining the strike. It's called "Why We Fight."

I also haven't been finding anything super jazz-worthy this week, I'm not depressed, just not particularly jazzed about anything. And then I heard this story and got suddenly interested. It's kind of weird. But hear me out.

So this American college student, Amanda Knox, was studying abroad in Perugia, Italy...

having the time of her life. She met this boy there two weeks ago (possibly in an internet cafe?), they began a relationship, and now they are the prime suspects in her roommate's murder. The roommate, Meredith Kercher (21), was found dead in their apartment on Friday after police say she was stabbed while fighting off a sexual assault. Police have put forth suggestions that Knox and her male companion may have tried to involve Kercher in a sex act and then killed her when she refused.

Knox is from Seattle where everyone who knows her say they are absolutely stunned. Her friends, the art gallery where she interned, no one can believe this is possible. And herein lies the magic of study abroad! There is alcohol and drugs aplenty, bold men with long hair in linen pants, the air is crisper, love is sweeter, and endless possibilities await on the road to adventure.

Anyway, this story is sick, agreed, but it has led me to a few conclusions.

People do crazy things in foreign countries. Like buy a leather jacket. So murder is not really that far off.
Love can get you carried away, especially when it's new, exotic, and uncomplicated by details such as a rap sheet.

You can never really know anyone.

At any point someone can turn on you and kill you. Especially your roommate you just met.

Have a great weekend!

The Best Dracula Jokes You'll Hear All Day

2007-10-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everybody! I have some fun treats in store for you today. Above are some lovely jack-o-lanterns my lady friends and I carved together. And no...surprisingly the phallus pumpkin isn't mine. Mine is the cave with the bats coming out of it, or, Plato's Allegory of the Cave, which ultimately was a beautiful mistake.

Halloween fun is fun, but it's also important that this fun be safe. I made up 3 special Halloween jokes that all have an important message about safety. I'm pretty proud of these jokes.

Q: Why does Dracula sleep all day?

A: Because he has AIDS.

__________________________________

Q: What is Dracula's blood type?

A: AIDS positive.

__________________________________

Q: How did Dracula get AIDS?

A: He likes putting it in the bat.

Ahhhh!! How scary!! Really though, everyone, let's talk about this for a second. If Dracula really existed today, he probably would have AIDS - because he's not discretionary at all about who he takes blood from. Just recklessly sucks blood, anytime, any place. What kind of a role model is that? These jokes are a warning about adapting to acknowledge the dangers present in a modern world.

Pass these jokes along, share with friends and family, but remember - I made them up, so you can't say you did.

Talk to Your Kids About Sex, and Don't Leave Out the Good Stuff

2007-10-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

People are talking about "Talk to Me," a national PSA urging parents to "speak up" about the virtues of abstaining until marriage. (The PSA is put out by 4parents.gov, a division of the Department of Health and Human Services, and can be viewed HERE). People are talking about the discomfort of watching child actors hired by an Abstinence-Only contingent turn their dewy eyes to the camera and say things like "Tell me what you want from me." Notwithstanding the creepy undertones, this PSA has set us back another ten years from instituting practical sex education that actually prepares and protects kids. Luckily the Voice of Reason has a DV cam and a cache of talented kids at their disposal to make this hilarious parody. It's the brainchild (and lovechild) of some very smart and funny friends of mine. And it's on the front page of FunnyorDie.com right now!

And to toot my own horn, please check out my (very similar) blog entry on the Huffington Post here.

A Goodnight Wish

2007-10-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

For everyone tonight, a magic carpet ride on a penis-generated rainbow! Whimsy! Try and tell me this doesn't put the "fun" back in TGIF.

I myself am also wishing that the four horsemen of the apocalypse - raging fires, flea infestations, the military-industrial machine, and VH1 - will require a few weeks of rest after their recent tour of destruction. I am also wishing that Stephen Colbert will tell us soon that his campaign for president is just a stunt to get people talking and excited about the primaries and he's not really going to take his schtick all the way to the dais. Colbert is currently polling at around 13% in three-way matchups, running as an Independent. Not that I don't love Stephen. But I don't think what we need is even less focus on issues.

This is a (Left-Brained) Cry for Help

2007-10-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this? This is insane. Have you seen it yet?

It's been circulating this week but if you haven't played with it yet - I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable being responsible for your addiction. I can't tear myself away and I hate the loss of control. There is something very diabolical about this "Right brain vs. left brain" test you can find here. I don't trust it, and at the same time - I don't trust myself. I need answers. I need a hero. What is happening to my body?

Supposedly it works thus: if you see the dancer spinning clock-wise, you are right-brain inclined. If you see her turning counter-clockwise, you're a left-brainer. When I first looked I saw it going counter-clockwise, beyond the shadow of a doubt. It seemed unconscionable that anyone could see it otherwise. But my cubemate saw it going the other way. This drove a wedge between us for many hours yesterday and only this morning did we start relating to each other again.

THEN I asked some other people who had seen the dancer going BOTH ways. Legend had it that she could suddenly switch directions mid-spin when your brain changed its focus.! So I kept staring again, for another few hours, and I SAW IT - she changed direction mid-spin! She would then turn clockwise for a few spins, and then turn back again - and I'd have to sit and wait a few hours more for it to happen again.

I am seriously concerned about what this "Test" really is and why I am so obsessed with it. Is it a form of psychological terrorist warfare? Is the Matrix reaching out to select a few chosen drones to enlighten? Is it all a trick, a conspiracy, the Grassy Knoll, Building 7? I'm falling for it. I'm falling in love. I'm scared, and I'm cold. I feel old. But at least I'm feeling.

Implanting Change - for the Breast of Us!

2007-10-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

As an act of civil disobedience, I'm writing this post in my pajamas wearing NO makeup. What a statement! I am a feminista revolutionary!

I read this article about a website charity where women can solicit donations for their desired breast implants. Developed by two intrepid men, it's an online community where men can see pictures of the needy women and send them emails for a $1.25 fee ($1.00 goes to the woman's breast fund, $0.25 to the site's founders for being geniuses). The philanthropists can then track the woman's progress as she grows from underdeveloped A-cup nation into military-industrial Double-D powerhouse!

An interesting thing is that this all got started with a "joke" - two guys hanging out in a Hooters, joking about how to change the world! And now it's grown into a thriving vehicle for happiness and social change. Okay, okay, I know you want to see the site. Here it is. Go check it out, I'll wait. http://www.myfreeimplants.com/ Come back when you're done, I have more to say.

Bottom line, these ladies are smart. Do I want things? Yes. Do I want otherpeople to pay for them? Yes. Specifically, I want things that are going to make me feel good about myself. Like these boots:

So I've come up with a way to have them. I'm turning this blog into a charity where men with foot fetishes can come and look at pictures of my feet such as this one:

I told you - no nudity! But they can look to their heart's content and send me money in exchange for more sexy pictures like the one above. So, send me money - and my feet will thank you! I accept Paypal. And as soon as I raise enough money for my boots, I'll find another pair of shoes that I want. Because I'll never be satisfied with just the boots, will I? The "boots"...! Am I making an"analogy" for a similar situation perhaps?!

Don't get me wrong - this is great. For everyone involved. Butwhat's troubling to me, as an average girl, with small to average boobs, is that women getting boob jobs are setting a new beauty standard for men that will become necessary and expected. Like bears or sharks after they've acquired a taste for human blood, these men will have to continue getting boob job'd women, or else they'll have to be put down.

The New Price is Right: Younger, Fatter, More Boring

2007-10-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Drew Carey's premiere as the new host of The Price is Right aired Monday and if you thought he'd at least be more entertaining than a corpse, well..."no deal!" (what?) Drew did seem nervous, as anyone would be - though I can't imagine the crowd at the Price is Right being too discriminating. But complacent millionaire Drew had no jokes (except for one bit that he did twice in the same show: "Did you drive here?" "No." "Well maybe you can drive home." Announcer: In a new car!!!!) In a transcription all of Drew's statements would end in periods. "Congratulations." "You just won $10,000." "I can't feel my feet." I found myself daydreaming that the announcer would take over and just run the show from the booth. "I can't feel my feet!!!!"

And is Drew so boring that they had to rig every game to make the show exciting? Every single contestant on the premiere show, 6 straight magical genius price guessers, won their game! Two people even won an extra $1000 on the wheel. I don't know how they actually pulled this off - were there elves in the wheel structure stopping it on the $1.00? Multiple takes? The more I think about it the more impressed I am by the whole charade. Impressed, but not manipulated! I mean, who wants to watch or attend a game show where everyone wins? Not this cookie. Sorry - I shouldn't have brought up cookies without having some available. I won't do it again. Forgive me?

Score One for Equality, Not!

2007-10-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Woopsies! A typo was found in an Arkansas state law that essentially legalizes marriage among two people of any age - including babies (No word yet on whether fetuses are considered people and at what stage). The law, in effect since July 31st, was intended to raise the minimum marriage age in Arkansas to 18, but a randomly placed "not" in the language of the law enacted the opposite - allowing anyone of any age to marry with parental consent. Woopsies!

But come on - let's cut Arkansas lawmakers a break. This is not something that spellcheck would not have not caught - right? Did you expect them to proofread the whole entire law? So how can they not be blamed for this. Woops, I mean "not not blamed."

Or was this a serendipitous intervention from a highly enlightened being? Perhaps it's just the beginning of a state coup sponsored by the motivated and well-funded progressive baby marriage lobby. Or maybe it's a choreographed performance art piece making a profound social statement! To show that every person* who wants to marry has the legal ability to enter the most sacred of unions, regardless of age! (*note: homosexuals not included). Congratulations, Arkansas, for stepping up to fill the void in the progressive movement that California lazily and drug-inducedly left open. Not.* (*note: this word negates all preceding commentary).

Top 10 Sexiest Sex Tips Ever - Your Questions, Answered!

2007-10-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

This is the latest installment of my new knowledge-giving column, "Your Questions, Answered!" where I expound on the questions from magazine covers, essentially saving you the $3.95 you would have spent or the embarrassment of getting caught reading it in line by the lady you babysit for.

This week's question comes from an intrepid reader, Kim (whose full identity I will spare for her protection), who asked me - "Jessie? Both Glamour and Cosmo this month advertise that within their glossy pages they hold the world's most sought-after secrets of sexual satisfaction. But, can you tell me, what are the top ten sexiest sex techniques ever?" Well, Kim, wonder no more - because I am about to take you on a one-way shuttle ride through my tantric universe. You are about to read everything those magazines will tell you, and everything they can't because of censorship, free of charge. I apologize in advance to my LGBT readers for the heterosexual bend, it's funnier this way.

Top Ten Sexiest Sex Tips EVER!!!

1. The number one tip is not a physical position, so much as an emotional one! It's called Be Confident. Whatever personal space you occupy, make sure you're feeling completely confident about yourself and your body. Because as ANY guy will tell you, there's nothing sexier than a woman who's comfortable with herself!

2. Pay Attention. Pay attention to what's going on. That's all I'm going to say! Wink!

3. Smile. When you smile, you look as beautiful outside as you do inside!

4. Safety. Nothing's fun unless it's completely safe. Make sure you're using both a contraceptive and an anti-sexual disease transmission device. Then cut loose!

5. Consent. Consentual is sensual! Make sure you both want to be doing what you're doing. Consent should be given verbally and above the influence of a sleep-inducing narcotic.

6. Communication. Talk about what you plan to do and then do it - that's the fun part! But talking about it can also be fun. See next month's issue on how to give him the dirtiest dirty talk of his life!

7. Environment. This has a double meaning. First, use your environment around you. Think about utilizing candles or scented drawer liners to set the mood. And second, conserve energy by turning off the lights and any running water. And don't forget to recycle when you're done!

8. Love. Nothing is sexier to a man than feeling loved and secure! Which brings us to:

9. Confidence - again! But for him this time! Make sure you're telling your partner how beautiful he looks in the moonlight and how strong his body is. If he has an ugly body, focus on one particular part that isn't ugly - like his calves!

10. Have fun! Don't forget to have fun. When you're having fun, the sex is going to be amazing!! But who cares if it's not, because you're having fun!!

Kim, and dear readers, there you have them. The secrets of my suc-sex! You now have all the tools you need to go out and have mind-blowing sex. Yum!

The Soup: Best jokes that didn't make the show!

2007-10-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

Want to hear the best monologue jokes from the writers of The Soup that didn't make the final show? Head Writer K.P. Anderson keeps a weekly blog of his favorites. You might know someone who wrote some.

Check out the blog here!

The Soup (formerly "Talk Soup") is an uproarious roundup of the week's best and worst television and pop culture moments. If you haven't experienced it yet, you are only living your life up to 50% of its fullest. The Soup premieres every Friday at 10pm on E!

2007-10-03T13:32:00.001-07:00

I want to browse your Myspace profile, but it's just so loud! I mean, both literally and figuratively. Your loud song plays immediately but you have so much html loading on your page that I can't even get in there to pause it. So I just end up bothering the coworkers in adjacent cubes by playing your loud song for 12 seconds or more before I give up and click back to my homepage. I mean really, where is your sense of decency?

I'd love the opportunity to look at your profile and see your favorite movies, and possibly body type. But all I know about you is that you posted a comment on my ex-boyfriend's page (where I linked from) and really like Journey (who doesn't?)! I just don't have the patience to wait while your complicated and visually loud profile loads. So I guess we'll never be more than what we are: friends of friends of friends.

It's really too bad - we might have had something special. But I simply can't keep bothering my neighbors with your loud song. And I can't be bothered to turn down my volume. So I guess we're at an impasse. Unless, that is...you decide to reset your Myspace preferences to play your song manually, or you opt for a simpler layout. But why would you do that for someone you don't know that well, or at all for that matter? Maybe...the hope for a more sanctimonious virtual community? A better virtual existence for posterity? The choice is yours.

No, Your Retarded

2007-10-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

There is a matter I must address both immediately and without delay. And I musn't let another second pass without attempting to quelch the putrid festering infection of one of the most vile attacks on human dignity.

Someone once said, "words can never hurt me." But there are two phrases that really do hurt me - in that they annoy me to the point of physical pain. These phrases are inane but somehow seeped past the reason sentries and managed to lodge themselves in society's zone of acceptable behavior. I realized today that I hate these phrases more than anything I've hated in recent memory. The first is "Good times." I'll use it in a conversation for you.

Joe: "Larry, here are the files you requested."
Larry: "Good times."

I can't pinpoint exactly what I hate about it. It's good wholesome bro-ing out. But it's just SO vague and incoherent. These times are not good. You're describing a specific situation that is pleasant or appealing to you. Not an entire era or phase of life. And if you're so happy about it, you really couldn't think of a better word than "good?" Maybe I hate that one because it sounds fratty, so I'm just being close-minded but the second phrase issues true cause for concern.

"No worries." Now this is the real offender. Much like a fart, I don't care who started it, we're all responsible for its acceptance. And as far as I'm concerned if you're not a part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.

First of all, it's an adaptation of a real, existing phrase - Don't Worry. "Don't worry about it." But what was wrong with that? I'll tell you what - it was too sincere. And some dude somewhere decided he needed it to become an all-encompassing expression of total mind-numbing apathy. No worries - as in, I have, literally NO WORRIES. Not about you, not about this, not about anything, because I am so utterly chill and rad that worries can't even affect me. I am unaffected by anything that could emote. Is this possible? No. So what is it? A front. An affront. A tough guise for tough guys. And it's two negative statements, and it makes you sound dumber than I know you are.

I hope you're saying to yourself, " I say those things." Well, don't. Anymore. If not for any reason other than them bothering me. This might sound controversial to you, but all revolutions started with controversy. The French one, the American one, and today - the Bro one. Time to luchar la lucha! Vavoom!

What Your American Express Commercial Says About You

2007-09-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

You can tell a lot about a person from their American Express commercial. Partly because the printed ads involve writing unique and quirky facts about yourself in your own handwriting (that's what they had me do, anyway). But when you compare Tina Fey's commercial with, say, Beyonce's, I think they offer a lot of insight into who those people really are.

Let me just say I love Tina's commercial. It's genuinely funny and not in a tired way and it's charming and sounds like her. I might be a little biased because I want her life, not in a creepy sense, but out of sincere admiration, but also in the way that I think she and I would be the kind of best friends who would never disappoint each other. All of my best friends have ended up disappointing me at one time in the past and I really think Tina would constantly impress and never disappoint me. But I digress.

If, like with Wes Anderson and M. Night Shyamalan, one's American Express commercial is supposed to reflect a person's most pure self, and not of course their most marketable industry persona, then what the hell is wrong with Beyonce. Is it possible that in her deep, dark insides she really only likes shiny things, and buying shiny things? Does she really shop at designer boutiques therapeutically? Did she really just buy diamond-crusted monkey figurines?

Maybe so. Who am I to judge? But if this is true, then Beyonce is already a best friend who has disappointed me. Reliable? No. Trustworthy? No. These are not things her American Express commercial communicates to me.

My American Express commercial will be awesome, by the way.

Name: Jessie Gaskell (like you didn't already know)

Perfect Day: Paragliding off the ruins of Tikal, amassing a collection of exotic carnivores, lunch, rafting down my chocolate lazy river, composing a hip-hopera for Broadway and starring in it, then falling asleep in an Olympic-sized pool filled with goose down while Barry Manilow covers the White Album.

Recent impulse buy: Tanzania

My life is: An explosive brand of comedy and social justice

My card is: American Express.

Why Do Supermodels Love James Blunt - Your Questions, Answered!

2007-09-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am going to start a new segment (I love these "segments" I do - they last about one entry each). But I am really going to start a new segment called "Your Questions, Answered!" where I answer the questions from popular magazine covers. For instance, this month's Cosmo posed the question "Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?" That one's next. Today's installment comes from the October Blender:

"Why Do Supermodels Love James Blunt?"

Why do they? I'll tell you why. And I'll outline it for you in complete sentences in traditional 5-paragraph form. Intro/thesis, 3 supporting, and conclusion. But just the outline.

1. Why do Supermodels Love James Blunt? Supermodels love James Blunt for compelling reasons, which, as I see them, are threefold. Firstly, and most importantly, supermodels love James for his money. Secondly, they love him for his hair. Thirdly, they love him because he smells and sounds like them.

2. Money. James Blunt has amassed a considerable war chest from his success as a soft rock singer/songwriter. Selling albums to lonely women and weepy teens has earned him money and models love money, which is why they model.

3. Hair. James Blunt has empirically good hair. While most guys underestimate the impact of hair on their interactions with women, it is one of the single most important things that a man doesn't have control over that women will judge him for. And it clearly trumps other subjective personal traits such as substance, talent, and masculinity.

4. Woman Smell and Voice. As myriad studies have proven, familiarity is attractive. And no soft rocker is more familiar to women than James Blunt. His voice sounds like your mother's lulling you to sleep, and his breath smells of vanilla bean and honey butter. Moreover, he conditions his hair with Herbal Essences Moisture Restore for color-treated hair, which has extracts of jasmine and jojoba root (see point #3).

5. In summation, supermodels love James Blunt for the aforementioned reasons.

This is beautiful.

2007-09-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

And meaningful. It's love - interspecies love. Interspecial love!

Show and Tell Art

2007-09-11T20:00:00.001-07:00

I wanted to tell you what my brain feels like right now but I learned in improv that you should "show, not tell." So I decided to show you. I call it "Brain Muffin."

This is art, by the way, and it's very expensive. I don't want to tell you how much because it'll embarrass you, but you'll pretend it's in your price range and nod your head and then turn away to guffaw with your friend about what a rip-off it is and how it's not even art. But what you don't realize is you don't even know anything about beauty or truth and what's beautiful is the human contact I just made with you, and you thought the real art was the piece on the wall for sale but it turned out to be our interaction which was free of charge but instead of welcoming it with open arms you guffawed and now your children are the ones who will suffer.

But it did make you think, and one day when it's too late you'll look back on this art and breathe an exhausted "thank you" through your sighs and those breaths will be your last.

...You're welcome.

Cool Historical Reference of the Day: Eisenhower

2007-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."

That's from Dwight D. Eisenhower, who we know was a decorated American general and our 34th president. A Republican war hero, Eisenhower exercised a very calculated and measured approach to military aggression. As president he spoke out often warning the country about the dangers of an empowered military-industrial complex. How refreshing to hear that a Commander-in-Chief can be both a capable military presence and a voice of reason.

This is an excerpt from Eisenhower's farewell address, delivered before the end of his 2nd term in 1961.

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

Is it crazy to expect this level of sanity from our President? I doubt it.

Two Thumbs OUT

2007-08-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

Disney announced this week that Roger Ebert’s thumbs, known for issuing the patented “Two Thumbs Up” movie rating, have been removed from his show until further notice. What began as a contract dispute between Ebert and Disney has now jeopardized the future of Two Thumbs Up and potentially changed movie criticism history forever.

I was enraged by the news but luckily snagged an interview with the Thumbs via satellite (my talent agent has been working overtime). Transcript follows.

.................................................................

ME: Good morning guys, thanks for coming on today. So tell me a little about what went down over there at Disney?

THUMBS: F-ing contract dispute. Their opening offer was an abomination. Do they honestly think we'd re-up with a 40/60 residuals split? Hell nah.

ME: So, then you counter–offered?

THUMBS: Yeah. Ebert was fully supportive of our very reasonable $20 million counter but those tightwad Disney execs said there wasn’t a budget for appendages. They can suck a thumb.
ME: How'd you leave it?

THUMBS: Well…there was a minor altercation with the bronze mouse and a security guard died…anyway, we were “emancipated.” Now we’re seeking our own representation.

ME: Yikes. Well, glad to see you guys taking the initiative. Who’s the thumbs with two thumbs? Anyone said that to you yet? You know - like "who's the guy with two thumbs?" Except, with thumbs? Huh?

THUMBS: We’re gesturing to you obscenely with ourselves.

.....................................................................

That was the gist of the interview. Sounds like it's a pretty serious Disney/Thumbs rift, and I think I've settled pretty securely in the Thumb camp. Those dudes work hard, I mean, practically every movie made gets Two Thumbs Up, right? I'm pretty sure Daddy Day Camp got Two Thumbs. Maybe they'll start to use themselves with a little more discretion.

Possible future Thumbs project:

Fusillade of Truth

2007-08-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

If you have been a longtime fan of Thomas Kinkade, or even if you're just now tasting him for the first time, you will recognize that this is an artistic breakthrough of such magnanimous proportions, the oil painting world may never be the same.

Though many of us know Kinkade only as the master of idyllic, pastoral scenescapes and Christian themes, prepare to be spellbound by this new series, marked by gritty realism and biting social commentary. Such as his above "Fusillade of Truth."

LIE. The above is my very funny friend Tillman's creation, who I am reluctant to introduce you to lest you find him more funny than you find me. The inspiration was a conversation we had about his mass emails from Iraq, where he is currently stationed (and which makes this creative collaboration even more amazing). I likened reading his emails to sitting down to a feast of fancy, then delighting in the tasty morsels, letting ourselves become completely exposed and vulnerable, until he sticks us with the cold knife of truth. To which he replied, quote, "You will all be running away, skipping down the beach, half way to happyville, when the deadly whisper and hiss of a fusillade of arrows of truth slam into your backs."

Which, I think, is an insightful analogy for how the Iraq war has unfolded. Keep skipping, America! But don't forget to look back over your shoulder.

P.S. Tillman does work a lot, too. He doesn't just sit around and photoshop all day in Hussein's castle.

Doppel the Fun?

2007-08-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

I had this conversation a while ago speculating whether or not it would be enjoyable to have sex with your doppelganger. At the time all parties felt it was an uncomfortable topic but with the emergence of this delightful old-timey poster, I think we've all been vindicated.

I still question not the feasibility of such an experiment, but whether or not it would be more rewarding than dangerous. First of all, is sex with a doppelganger the same thing as sex with a clone? Not, right? Let's explore.

A doppelganger, by definition is n. A ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart. So a doppelganger could be a surprisingly friendly sexual novelty, like a Real Doll. And it's not a real person, so you don't have to feel bad about raping it - right?

Sex with a clone, on the other hand, I think I would issue an emphatic "no" to. I don't want to know how I am. And if it has my personality, even worse. I don't want to hear my mood-killing jokes and riotous laugh.

The only other detail in question is whether or not your doppelganger is in fact your "evil" counterpart. In a lot of ways this makes it more appealing, since I, like most women, am deeply attracted to a-holes.

So I think it's decided then. Sex with doppelganger, worth trying. But please everyone - use protection. If you and your doppelganger conceive, you'll both get sucked into a dimensional vortex from which you can only watch idly while your progeny brings about the certain destruction of humankind.

It's My Fault for Trying

2007-08-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today, on a very special "Seriouslyjazzed..."

I want to talk about something serious with you for a second. I tried something new last week. I attempted a post "in character" - a monologue based on a funny conversation I had with a friend. It was sort of an experiment, I guess. Because usually I blog as myself, as Jessie, so you know whose voice I'm using because it's mine. And this was an attempt to speak using a different voice, a joke voice.

*Sidenote: today I did some voiceover work and someone told me that my voice sounds like rusty sandpaper, or divorce. So you can understand why I might desire a voice other than my own.

Some of you thought this was a serious post. Reactions ranged from "were you talking about a real person?" to "who was that real person you were talking about there?" This was not a real person, nor would I ever seriously say that to a real person, in my blog. I was surprised that you would think I would. Most importantly because that's not what this blog is for. I didn't think you thought I was that kind of girl.

I'm not sure at what point I became the poster girl for sincere & earnest blogging* but I guess that's what you've come to expect of me. I don't want to feel constricted by this label (I stand by my motto: "Labels Disable") but I also want to respect your blog reading needs. You are, after all, the consumer, and I the provider.

I hope we can reach a consensus because I don't want to always have to issue a caveat - "this is a joke, this next thing coming up" or "just so we're all on the same page, I'm not being serious right now." But I don't want to be confusing. That's the last thing I want. I'm an open book, you turn the pages. Don't lick your fingers first, that's gross.

*Is it because of the title of the blog?

Happy V-M Day!

2007-08-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today is V-M Day: Victory over...Mystery! The sailor from the famous "V-J Kiss" photograph, taken in Times Square in 1945, iconic decorator of college dorms, has been confirmed as Glenn McDuffie of Houston, TX. McDuffie, who just turned 80, has been claiming his identity as the Kisser since 1980 when Life Magazine asked the couple from the portrait to come forward. 11 men and one woman submitted themselves for consideration and now, in 2007, the sailor's identity has been confirmed by forensic scientists!

I know what you're thinking - why not just ask the nurse, she should know, she kissed him! Well, McDuffie, who was a teen when he returned home from WWII, just jumped off the subway and grabbed a pretty nurse who was smiling at him. They never even spoke! So she might not remember.

I know what you're thinking now - how did Glenn McDuffie, the best and most famous kisser in the world, thrice divorced, celebrate his 80th birthday? His daughter drove up to Houston to take him out to dinner. "She told me I could go anywhere I wanted," McDuffie told the press. "So, we're going to Red Lobster, and I'm going to have lobster and shrimp." A fine meal for a hero of love and war.

LOL? RONS?

2007-08-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger, more industrious than I, took a cue from "Lolcats: the internet sensation" and put together these "Lolrons" using adorable candid shots of Ron Paul, presidential hopeful. True, part of the impetus was a social experiment to see if a Ron Paul mention would steer internet traffic to their budding blog - which emphatically is NOT the intention of this post (RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL).

You Probably Get This All the Time, but I Really Like Your Friend

2007-08-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

People probably ask you this all the time, but what’s the story with your friend? Is he single? It must get annoying having everyone ask you about him all the time. Or maybe it’s cool because then cute girls have a reason to talk to you. Kidding! How mean would that be if I actually said that. But I’m sure you’ve just gotten used to it by now, the constant liking of your friend by girls.

Are people always making friends with you just to get closer to him? I bet that happens all the time with you and girls and you think they like you, but they actually like your friend. Not me though - I think you’re really nice and fun, I love your personality. Does your friend have a similar personality to you, plus good looks?

Do you think maybe he’d want to come to the concert with us on Friday? I know you got us tickets but I was thinking we could make it a group thing and then you could ask him to come. Do you mind driving so he and I can both drink? I think I’ll have a better chance with him if we get drunk - I mean, you’ve seen me when I’m drunk. Remember that one time I almost made out with you?! But in real life I like your friend. I’m sure you’re totally used to hearing that by now.

Area Woman Can't Tell if She Ironically or Sincerely Wants Lasagna for Lunch

2007-08-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Area woman Jessie Gaskell found herself at the heart of a troubling conundrum Wednesday when she was unable to diagnose her desire for lasagna as an ironic throwback or a sincere craving. “I haven’t had lasagna in, like, 10 years – but for some reason it sounds really good right now!” she said aloud to her cubemates around noon. “I kind of almost want to go to Ralph’s and get one of those frozen microwave dinners, is that totally gross of me?”

After eliciting only raised eyebrows from peers, many of whom refused to remove their headphones, Gaskell continued to muse out loud to herself. “I can’t believe I’m thinking of getting lasagna for lunch right now. What is this, ‘The Wonder Years?’ How good of a show was that, by the way?”

Gaskell polled coworkers for over 15 minutes on whether a sincere eating of lasagna would be considered socially acceptable before concluding that it was too much trouble to actually make it happen. “I mean, it’s not like it’s so important to me to have lasagna,” Gaskell announced, finally. “I just thought it sounded kind of funny.”

Iraqis Hunted by Man-Eating Badgers

2007-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

As if raw sewage and shrapnel weren't enough scary campfire story fodder, there is a new horror on the loose in Iraq. Rumors are flying throughout the port city Basra that giant man-eating badgers stalk the streets at night, attacking unsuspecting human prey. The monsters are reported to be much larger than common badgers, with giant claws and sharp teeth for ripping through flesh. (Watch the video!)

A spokesman for the British army issued a statement that there are honey badgers in Basra but they rarely attack humans, unless provoked. “They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They're nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don't stalk humans and carry them back to their lair,” he said.

Still, many Iraqis believe this animal appeared directly after Western occupation of the province, spawning conspiracy theories that U.S. or British forces unleashed the animal to spread fear throughout the city.

Wait. Huge badger-looking animals terrorizing the village, put there by authorities to strike fear in the hearts of citizens? Sounds like a good idea for a movie...but there has to be a twist ending! I think that was the twist ending.

Nikonography

2007-07-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some incredible pictures from Nikon's "It's a small world" photomicrography competition (photos taken through a light microscope). Life is so beautiful. Check out the rest and rate the entries here.

It's the Final Countdown

2007-07-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

Final Countdown

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This is my favorite clip in The Soup this week. It's from the show Singing Bee but that's irrelevant. I love so many things: the ultra-fast zoom, the pained look on the singer's face, the booty dancers, the synthesizer. Everything.

If I Blogged This (Book Review)

2007-07-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

If I blogged this, not that I did, or would, but hypothetically speaking, if I blogged a book review about the book "If I Did It" by OJ Simpson, would you guys be mad at me?

Well, someone at work got a leaked copy and sent it around as a PDF file and I did skim it. Let's just say - OJ Simpson is a chronic modifier misplacer. I don't have the energy or the moral security to break down his commentary on the murders, but I think these two excerpts will suffice:

"I did a little acting, too, and for a number of years I was a pitchman for Hertz, the rental car people. Some of you might remember me from the television spots: I was always running late, pressed for time, leaping over fences and cars and piles of luggage to catch my flight. If you don't see the irony in that, you will."

Ironic. It was so "ironic" when I killed my wife and her lover. Ironic.

"A few days later, we flew down to Manzanilla, Mexico, for our honeymoon. We stayed in a beautiful place called Las Hadas and made love three times a day. That's why we were there, right? To give Nicole a family of her own."

Gross. It was "gross" when OJ Simpson described his lovemaking habits. Gross.

Anyway, those are basically the most important passages from the book, as far as I could gather. Quote them at your next social gathering! Impress your intellectual reader friends!

Like, Dead Dead?

2007-07-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

China executed its former Food and Drug chief today for taking bribes to approve untested medicines that resulted in the deaths of 10 people. Zheng Xiaoyu was convicted last week of taking about $850,000 in bribes, was sentenced to death, and today it was carried out. Done, and dead. China executes more people each year than all other nations combined. Makes me almost change my mind about the coolness of Communism!

Being serious for a second, this makes me think a few thoughts. Although this case highlights the Chinese state's incredible efficiency, it still makes me grateful that although the Patriot Act and Homeland Security do infringe on our human rights, at least our corrupt officials are not being sentenced to death. They are being sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison and then having that sentence commuted by the president whose interest they were serving. I don't think anyone needs to die over that.

* This is a Chinese mobile execution van that delivers deadly injections on the go!

Not all dorks created equal

2007-06-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

Turns out, fantasy dorks and theatre dorks are not the same kind of dork. The stage adaptation of Lord of the Rings (part musical, part play, all extravaganza) opened last week in London to mixed reviews. It had great potential, considering it is the most expensive stage production on record at $25 million - and we all know budget correlates directly with quality.

But apparently hardcore LOTR fans weren't feeling remiss in the absence of a Rodgers and Hammerstein Tolkien interpretation. One reviewer said his 14-year-old son left the show "tittering at the ponderous inanities of the script and the triteness of the lyrics." I then tittered imagining a 14-year-old boy tittering. Other people liked the show, though - including reviewers in the London Times and the Guardian.

I probably won't make it to London to see the LOTR stage spectacle. But I'm definitely going to miss out on ballads like "Hobbit-sized dreams" and company numbers like "Mordor ain't no place for dancin'!"*

*Not real titles from LOTR The Musical

Fiat Lux Jazz!

2007-06-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Okay. Occasionally something comes along that gets me so fired up I have to share it with everyone I come in contact with. Some of you may already be hip to these figures, but the gravity of this effort just hit me, so it's likely many of you, too, are still...in the dark.

This is one of the cheapest, smartest, easiest ways to help with energy conservation that I have encountered. CFL bulbs (Compact Fluorescent Light), the swirl bulbs, cost about $3 - but each one used conserves an incredible amount of energy. They also save you (the consumer) money, and reduce greenhouse gas emissions from power plants. Here are some fantastic figures (source):

- If every household replaced just one regular bulb with a CFL bulb, it would save enough energy to power a city of 1.5 million people, or all the homes in Delaware and Rhode Island

-If every household replaced one bulb, it would be the equivalent of taking 1.3 million cars off the road in terms of greenhouse gas reduction

- The typical U.S. house has between 50-100 sockets. Each swirl bulb pays for itself in energy cost savings in just 5 months. And they each last 6-8 years - about 10x longer than regular bulbs.

These numbers reveal the incredible power of individuals to make big changes through small efforts. And since nearly 100 million households* already read this blog, the changes should happen by the end of the day today. But why not go buy a 4-pack for your home and just change 4 bulbs at once? Then tell 10 of your friends?

Look for the swirl bulb with the Energy Star on the box. Pick up a pack this weekend! Make it happen! I'm proud of you!

*Estimate

When Sturgeon Strike!

2007-06-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

A jet skiier was knocked unconscious over the weekend when she collided with a jumping sturgeon. Both she and the fish survived the incident but it's got people talking about the rise in fish-related accidents on the Suwannee River in Florida. In 2006 there were a total of 10 people hurt in human-sturgeon collisions resulting from sturgeon jumping.

If these people sound lame, the sturgeon is actually a sizeable threat: the fish, aside from being scary and prehistoric-looking, can be 8 feet long and weigh up to 200 pounds. It's incredible they can even hoist themselves out of the water, really. One woman, after colliding with a sturgeon, had to have 3 fingers reattached by a surgeon. Not to be confused with sturgeon. A man brings his son to the emergency room for an operation. The sturgeon says, "I can't operate on him - he's my son." You know the rest.

Florida Fish and Wildlife has created an acronym motto for water safety on the Suwannee, S.L.O.W.: Sturgeon Leap Out of Water. They're very literal!

Great News

2007-06-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

Maria Bamford! posted a new comment about you at 6/12/2007 4:39 PM Inbox

New MySpace Comment

Maria Bamford! has posted a new comment about you on MySpace! Click the link below to read the …

(You know the rest)

What a great day! My comedy mentor has officially taken me under her wing. I'm sure that's what the comment says. "Dear Jessie: Yes, I will take you under my wing and together we will soar over supple angel-bottoms and Carebear tears." I don't even need to look at the comment to know that's what it says. Her Special Deluxe videos rule.

To Catch a Predator, Youtube Edition

2007-06-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Youtube is scary sometimes. A lot of times. If you haven't yet seen the video of this life-like Japanese child robot, you should, and if you have, go back and read some of the comments posted by the night stalkers and shut-ins that haunt the webwaves. In particular I enjoyed the insights into the mind of one "flyp1001," who offers a clear thesis on preferred uses for robot technology:

.............................................................................

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

Can it be programmed to give a bj?
(Reply) (Spam)

rubbbe (2 days ago)
yes
(Reply) (Spam)

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

I want to hold it and kiss it like it's never been kissed before.
(Reply) (Spam)

Caael (2 days ago)

Terrifying!
(Reply) (Spam)

flyp1001 (2 days ago)

I want to have sex with that thing!
(Reply) (Spam)

................................................................................

ChrisHansenPredatorNBC:
Hey Flyp1001...what are you doing here?

Happy Birthday Michael Cera

2007-06-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

This guy kills me. Literally, he has murdered me over 100 times. With delight!

Today's his birthday, I think he turns 11, if you haven't yet please check out the web series he developed with his friend Clark:

And leave a birthday comment! Such as "Happy birthday Michael, ur hot...lol!! ur funnier then Andersen Cooper". But not that one, obviously, it's been taken.

Chicks Obama Sex Gay Election

2007-06-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

Prominent intrepid woman political commentator deems prominent intrepid woman politician the winner of last night's Democratic debate in New Hampshire.

As a prominent intrepid woman political commentator blog linker, I agree.

Whatever. I like her. I've liked her since I saw her speak in D.C. and she used logic to form arguments that investing in education and healthcare will make our country stronger and richer and safer. I liked that she was articulate and steadfast and a good communicator.

I also like that one of the questions in the debate last night was how the candidates would "use" former president Bill Clinton in their presidencies. Barack Obama had my favorite response:

Obama: … And I think that President Clinton’s vision of our interdependence globally is something — Now, obviously Senator Clinton may have something to say about how I use Bill Clinton. (Laughter.) So in fairness, she should be able to respond.

I don't know what this means. I think maybe it means sex. I'm not sure. It's funny.

I kind of love these candidates and they make me excited to participate in the democratic process.

It's not happening here, but it is happening now

2007-05-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is a really striking Amnesty International campaign: "It's not happening here, but it is happening now." The billboards are painted to appear transparent and reference human rights violations in Sudan, Iraq, China, Liberia and other countries.

Doomsday Countdown

2007-05-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while when things are going well I like to reflect on the impending, inevitable destruction of humanity.

There are lots of reasons to suspect the end is near but the most recent is a virulent strain of tuberculosis has landed a Georgia man under quarantine by the U.S. Center for Disease Control. This is a pretty big deal considering the CDC hasn't placed a patient in isolation in over 40 years! So far this strain of TB has been resistant to all antibiotics.

The man traveled on two trans-atlantic flights before entering a medical isolation facility in NYC and then returning to Atlanta. So, there may be others affected out there! It's not the first time someone was diagnosed with this super-strain of TB (known as XDR TB - TB Xtreme!) but for some reason this case is requiring quarantine.

In other news, my contact solution got recalled because it's making people blind, and an 11-year old kills 1,000 pound hogzilla.

Feminist Sharks Render Men Even More Superfluous Than Once Thought

2007-05-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

This is incredible. You have to read this! An Ireland-U.S. study published today finds that female hammerhead sharks can fertilize their own eggs and give birth without the aid of sperm, or males. He-ey, girlfriends!

The study surrounds a baby shark who was born in a tank of 3 females, none of whom had had contact with a male shark in over 3 years (and had potentially sworn off men forever). This was the first shark case of what's called "parthenogenesis," which translates to "virgin birth" (although they've ruled out God as a potential father).

Scientists think this female shark began reproducing asexually as an evolutionary adaptation, but I think it's more likely she just got really into Sex and the City recently (pop culture trends hit late in the shark community). One too many bad breakups and a fourth reading of "He's Just Not That Into You" be enough to make a girl go asexual. Ladies?

Area Woman Can't Stop Blogging About Herself In the Third Person

2007-05-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Area blogger Jessie Gaskell told sources Tuesday that she was "obsessed" with blogging about herself in an ironic The Onion-style 3rd person format.

"I think this is only really funny to her," relayed concerned friend Joanna Schochet. "I kind of wish she'd stop. They say there's unlimited webspace, but in case there's not...I'd probably rather see a slideshow essay about cats."

I'll Give You a Secret (Open Letter)

2007-05-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Secret,

I've got a good one for you. I shouldn't even be having to write this, I should be able to just focus hard enough on finding a way for your Secret to not be a total rip-off. Right?

If I'm correct in summarizing your thesis, which I believe to be "use mind control to get whatever you want," then I can't help but wonder...why is your product even for sale? Why is it available using worldly currency? Shouldn't I be able to just think hard enough and know The Secret instantaneously? Hm?

Okay, I know what you're going to say (because I'm using mind control right now): I don't know that's The Secret until I've already paid $30 for your shitty book/dvd (hypothetically). BUT: what if I wanted to buy one for a friend? After I already know the "Secret?" What do you say to that? Think about that one for a while. No, seriously - think about it hard and send me a satisfactory answer with your mind.

Jessie

Area Woman Posts Ironic Blog Entry Parodying Satire Mag "The Onion"

2007-05-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Self-proclaimed area "blog celebrity" Jessie Gaskell was "disproportionately pleased with herself" after posting an Onion parody on her blog, sources said Wednesday. "Last night over drinks she wouldn't stop talking about how she did a parody of a satire, ironically - or something like that," related friend Nathan Blum. "I don't really get the difference between 'satire' and 'parody.' She claims to have used both but I'm not entirely sure that's possible."

Despite multiple attempts to publicize the piece, Gaskell's enthusiasm for her own alleged comedy was not shared by friends and coworkers. "I keep getting Myspace bulletins inviting me to check out her latest blog entry," complained a cube mate, who insisted he remain anonymous. "Like...we get it. She posted ironically about The Onion, in the style of The Onion. It's clever, and Jessie's cool, but I doubt that's the first time anyone's done something like that."

Others were troubled by the detour from Gaskell's typically sincere blog posts. "I didn't know she was being ironic at first - I thought she might actually be mad at The Onion. She's usually serious about being jazzed about things, but now I feel like I won't be able to tell if she's being serious or not. Maybe she was actually mad at The Onion." Only Gaskell's mother maintained that she had enjoyed the post, insisting, "I like everything Jessie writes."

Just Some Fun Cards

2007-05-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Spoiler Alerts

2007-05-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously? DON'T YELL AT ME for talking about the show you haven't watched yet. It can't be that important. And if it is that important to you, don't you think you would have watched it by now? The Sopranos aired on Sunday.

Do you think maybe you just like having things to get mad about?

The French Presidency is a Sweet Gig!

2007-05-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

From The Telegraph:

After a brief private meeting between the once bitter party rivals - in which the new president received the nuclear codes that permit him to launch a strike within one minute - they shook hands warmly.

President-elect Nicolas Sarcozy
Itinerary for Wednesday:

8:00 am - Disembark Maltese yacht
8:30 am - Croissant
9:00 am - Swearing-in ceremony in front of family and close dignitaries
10:30 am - Move stuff into 365-room palace (1 room for each day of the year)
11:00 am - Choose new upholstery scheme - "Versailles"
11:15 am - Personalize china patterns
11:30 am - Brief meeting with predecessor
11:35 am - Cheese snack
11:45 am - Receive nuclear launch codes
12:00 pm - Lunch
1:00 pm - ??? Recess for Cannes festival. Fun in the Sun!